Hope is for sissies!

hope (hp)
v. hoped, hop·ing, hopes
v.intr.
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.
v.tr.
1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation: We hope that our children will be successful.
2. To expect and desire. See Synonyms at expect.
n.
1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.

Among the myriad of things I do each week, three different agencies, for 1-3 times per week each, come into the house to work with Jaylin and our family. It has been a rough couple of months around here between Jaylin's abuse while a patient at Laurel Heights and the holidays. I'm stressed, Jaylin is stressed, our home is well, stressed.

This week one of the workers was here and she asked me, "How do you have hope?".

I DONT.

Hope is for sissies! Hope implies without saying that I believe someday I may be free of pee filled drawers and incessant rocking, lying without reason, and never sleeping. It implies that I believe if I hang on long enough she might just get better, and all of our troubles will be worth it.

I do not understand why my child has to suffer. It at times leaves me curled up in a ball crying, aching for all I cannot protect her from, but I have faith. I know that God is in control. I know He will not give us any task we cannot accomplish. He does not set us up to fail, though at times, I think our definition of success is screwy. I know sometimes my own definition of success leaves me frustrated and overwhelmed...

I love Jaylin just as she is. I rejoice when she makes progress, but I do not expect it. Expectation with chronic illness, leads to disappointment, resentment, anger. I accept her, and every little thing she does to drive me nuts, lol!


There is no hope here.

There is acceptance and faith.