How Long?

How long do I lay here?
When is it ok to stand?
Could someone please show me the rules?
I don't know them
I only know I can't take one more moment in this place

How long do I cry here?
When is it ok to smile again?
Could someone please show me the rules?
I don't now them
I only know the salty tears have burned lines in my skin.

If You Are A Mama of Many

If you are the Hacker Tribe Mommy

~There is no such thing as boring
~You can feed 5 kiddos, bandage a knee, and detach a turtle from a child's finger in under 10 minutes
~You have five little people who think you are superhuman and you try your best to be
~You say things like "who is licking Isaiah", "No you can't have marshmallows for breakfast", "Why did you think you could make your room a swimming pool", and "please stop barking, you are annoying the dog"
~You know what loving and sweet really is
~You praise your child because they get a duck tomorrow and have no idea what that means while secretly praying it isn't a real duck.
~You find an oddly placed spoon or fork somewhere atleast once a day though the oddest place was on top of a hanging picture frame
~There is always, always a reason to smile
~You tell Abby go to bed at least fifty times a night, and she never stays there.
~You wash 3 loads of laundry a day and are never done.
~Hugs are never on short supply
~Your expectations flex in five different ways all day long because you love them just as they are
~Overstimulated is at times an understatement
~It's only $8, actually means $40.
~Ramon noodles are your best friend
~You have Hanna Montana episodes memorized
~You are reminded of God's grace all day long
~You have a house full of broken, odd, misunderstood and misplaced creatures and humans because your babies have seen your compassion and live it out
~Whenever you are feeling low, you can look at their beauty and know you can't be all bad because you helped to make someone so amazing.

When she is quiet

When she is quiet
she is oh so loud inside.
When she is smiling,
tears soak her pillows.
When she is surrounded by people,
she feels more alone than ever.
And when she has had enough,
of never being enough,
she decides she isn't going to play anymore.
She is going to live,
And laugh,
And love,
without you
Cause while she was quiet
She heard you.
And while she was crying
She saw you
And while you stood close
She figured you out

I'm much too tired to climb a mountain

For those who don't know, the summit of Pikes Peak is at ‎14000 ft elevation. I think Johnson City is around 1600. Major difference! It takes a couple of hours to drive up and back down, mostly because you have to drive so very slow, most times in 1st or 2nd gear. There are stations all along the road to cool off your car, and check your brakes, because brake failure, and overheating are so common. The change in elevation can cause altitude sickness, headache, nausea, dizziness. There are many cars, and many people who simply cannot do it.

Ah but you know, we did it anyway, even fraidy cat me who used to get nauseated looking out the top floor window of Roger Stout when I was a student at ETSU.

There were tight windy curves without guardrails, signs everywhere warning of brake failure, altitude sickness, and not feeding the creatures. In our car there were tired kids, carsick kids, and a very sick Rachel.

BUT, none of those things mattered when we got to the top and stood together the middle of a cloud.

It was such a life lesson to me. We asked them to go, made them go, even though they couldn't fathom the beauty of what was waiting at the top. We talked thru endless questions, nausea complaints, and tears. Over and over again we said things like "I know baby but look over there, see how beautiful it is, just wait till we get to the top!"

As I am navigating the current circumstances in my life, I am afraid. I am overwhelmed. I am not strong, or confident, or brave. I want to freeze in my tracks. I want to read every caution sign and make sure everyone knows how dangerous it is. I see guardrails with skid marks from out of control cars, and I panic that the next one might be me. I, most times, can only see a moment in front of me, yet God keeps urging me forward. "I know it looks scary baby, but just wait, the beauty that's coming is beyond your dreams" I have a plan.

Sometimes we are faced with situations in our life that are scary, uncertain. Sometimes we chose them, sometimes we are chosen for them. We may look around and see warnings and caution, and others who were unable to make it. What I realize now, is that if you will only press forward, have a little faith, beautiful things await you at the top!

And so, I keep moving forward. Uncertain. Unsure. At times even unraveled.

I move forward because He has asked me to, because He can see the top, because He has a plan.